The Puppy Who Lost Its Way

When I was in the 6th grade, my parents did the cruelest thing imaginable. They agreed to "try out a puppy" for a couple weeks to see if it would be a good fit for the family. Out of nowhere, boom, surprise, he's your new dog, 11-year-old Ross. Oh here, we bought it some toys & a big pillow to use as its bed. We named it, showed it off to the neighborhood. Definitely get attached, Ross. This is gonna happen. For 3+ weeks, me & that dog had the coolest talks in my backyard. And then, just as quickly as he arrived, he was gone. I'll never forget the image of my Dad walking up the driveway with blood all over his hands, in the form of him holding an empty dog crate, which he used to drop the dog off to his original owner.

And if you can't see the striking similarities between this story and my fated-from-the-start fantasy baseball blog, you aren't very good at making obvious connections between 2 pieces of random information.

Consider this my apology for giving you the world's greatest gift--a gift that made your lives worth living again--and then maliciously ripping it away, biting its head off and spitting blood all over you.

Unlike my parents, who never attempted to make things up to us with a newer, better dog, I am prepared to start fresh. Whether you guys want it or not, you're getting a super new, ultra awesome, "I can't believe I don't have to pay for this," fantasy football blog.

3 Reasons why this blog will thrive over an entire season:

1). It's the NFL. It's one-tenth the amount of work as a baseball blog in terms of games to follow.

2). Because I've invested roughly $1,700 between 5 fantasy teams this year so it would be impossible for me not to know every stat on every player & game this year.

3). It's somewhat socially acceptable to watch every NFL game over the season. You can even have somewhat of a normal social life. With baseball, that's not possible.

With apologies & accusations out of the way, let us start the 2010 Season Preview with the very bottom, the lowest of the low:

Market and Crack (formerly "Riggins Rigs"): 2009: 4-10, 10th place
09 Recap: Have you ever seen a team purposely draft horribly one year just to ensure they'd get the first pick the next year? Well, you have now because there's simply no other explanation for what went on with Neil's draft in the summer of '09. Look at Neil's moves in last year's draft: kept Brady & Jennings (fine), then went Tomlinson, Derrick Ward, Vinny Jackson, Witten, Anthony Gonzalez, Domenik Hixon.
Re-read that list & realize that is someone's first 6 picks in the draft...in 2009. The guy never had a chance. It's never a good thing when you can honestly say a team's 2 best picks were its final 2 picks: Saints' D & Nate Kaeding.
This team never even threatened to be a second-to-last place team as it got off to an 0-7 start and was eventually 1-10 before finishing valiantly with 3 straight wins to end the regular season. No place to go but up it would seem.
10 Outlook: A youth movement was obvious for the Market/Crackers as they kept Ray Rice & Jamaal Charles going into the 2010 season. Like all good owners would do, however, Neil immediately picked Peyton "how many pairs of overalls would I own if it weren't for pro football" Manning to establish some leadership on this young team. The movement of youths continued with picks of Javhid Best & Kevin Kolb in rounds 4 & 5.

Most Likely Outcome: This comes down to starting the right players, coaching in its truest form. Enough contributors on the bench that if Neil starts the right guys in the right matchups each week, they can take a big leap to a top 5 team this year.
Worrisome Trend: all of Neil's starting WRs (Nicks, Breaston, Maclin) are #2 WRs who have shown no indication of stepping into #1 WR roles.
Most Ridiculous Personnel: Darren McFadden...where do you get off calling yourself a football fan and drafting this guy?
Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): tie between Mike Williams & Dexter McCluster.

Commissioner's Note: This is awkward, but I am absolutely stumped as to how Matt Blanchette's team from last year, with a 5-9 record, came in 9th place according to the standings, and MattyP's & Fred's teams, with 4-10 records, got 8th & 7th place, respectively. I'm not even going to try to figure this one out, and I'm glad this was ignored long enough that no one bitched about this year's draft order. Let's just proceed in the order that ESPN claims we all finished in (and the order we eventually drafted in this year...ignore the records, please).

JohnThomas Moynahan: 2009: 5-9, 9th place
09 Recap: I wrote an entire paragraph ripping Blanchette's 09 team to shreds, and there was a joke in there somewhere about JTM's 09 season mirroring the 09 Giants, but it's much more interesting to discuss this team's historical "competence" over the last 3+ years. In the 3 completed years that this league's existed, the JTMs have surged to a 14-28 record, earning Blanchette two 9th place and one 8th place finishes. This team's yearly draft position is starting to resemble the '02-05 Detroit Lions.

10 Outlook: It goes without saying that a 2010 playoff berth would justify a parade through downtown Lawrence. It turns out '09's bloody abortion of a season could have some redeeming value as Blanchette's keepers from last season (Schaub, Mendenhall) both look like top 10 players this year. A major upgrade from his last few keeper attempts. The theme for Blanchette early in this draft was "Don't take the sure thing, make each pick as risky as possible." He did this by drafting (in order) Marshall (head case risk), Wells (shitty Cardinal offense risk), Welker (Rossy John surgery risk), and Driver (old, wrinkly balls risk). If the JTMs hit home runs with Spiller & Dez Bryant, this could be a banner year for them (Blanchette would most likely hang a "2010 6th place banner" if given the opportunity).

Most Likely Outcome: Fights for playoff spot. Loses...or wins.

Worrisome Trend: I think I've said it before in the fantasy baseball blog, but it's worth mentioning again: this guy is the only person out of the group who gets paid to follow & report on sports. I would suggest sticking with real sports for your career path, never even dipping your toe in the fantasy sports writing career.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: I'm reaching a bit here--because JTM doesn't have any mind-boggling players, just mostly average to below-average guys--but Kevin Smith seems unnecessary.
Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Easiest choice I'll have to make in this entire blog: Jacoby Jones. Anyone who's had to regularly interact with me in the month of August knew how big my hard-on was for Jones. Yes, Blanchette, this means you should now be concerned he won't put up a single fantasy point this year.

Team PREISS: 2009: 4-10, 8th place
09 Recap: Coming off the high of a 2008 playoff run that saw the 4th-seeded Preissers tear through the field & capture his first 1st place finish in anything in life, MattyP's team took a major step in '09 and found themselves standing in a big pile of dog shit known as 8th place (legit 52-word sentence right there by the way).

Easy to make the leap from 1st to 8th when you only take 1 "impact player" in the first 5 rounds of the draft. That player was Kurt Warner. The other 4 players taken: Marion Barber, T.O. Tony Gonzalez, Big Fat LenDale. That's the equivalent of forfeiting the season.

10 Outlook: So what's an owner to do to reverse this downward spiral? Build his team around Marion Barber again, that's what he did. Joking, joking. MattyP did keep 1 player with no questions (Brees) and one player with many questions (Turner). After that? The Preissers drafted a lot of solid guys...contributors on some level, but really this team is lacking in players with a high ceiling. Outside of Brees, Turner and Steven Jackson, there's not a person on this roster who could ever work themselves into the keeper conversation. Matty has also already admitted to wasting his 13th & 14th round picks, as evidenced by those players (Slaton, Zach Miller) being released almost immediately.

Most Likely Outcome: If the starting lineup stays healthy--and that's a big if--this team could finish .500 and sneak into the playoffs.

Worrisome Trend: See entire paragraph about this team's lack of upside guys.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Laurence Maroney. The guy who's pretty much 3rd on Pats' RB depth chart, basically hasn't played a snap in the last couple preseason games, and might also be dealing w/ multiple injuries. There's no one else to replace him with? In a 10-team league? You sure?

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player):Uhh, am I allowed to say "no one?" Sorry Matty, really not just picking on you. I guess where you got Thomas Jones (11th round) is pretty good. I can pretend I'm jealous of that pick.

Polar Bears Rule: 2009: 4-10: 7th place

09 Recap: Scanning last year's info for the problem area....oh, and there it is: on top of Fred drafting the Steeler's Def in round 9 (a solid 15 picks before the 2nd D of the draft was taken), he also drafted these 3 players in rounds 12-14: Culpepper, Pennington and Bobby Engram. They played a combined 12 games during the season. I almost forgot to add that Brian Westbrook, a keeper for the Pbears, only played in 8 games in '09. And can everyone please stop drafting Defenses so early? I hate to give away fantasy "secrets" especially ones that require just the smallest amount of standard logic to figure out...but the consensus "#1 defense" in the preseason rarely ends up being in even the top 5 of D's at season's end. In '09, the eventual #1 D was the 8th Defense taken. Just saying.

10 Outlook: If I had done Pbears preview before Preiss's, I would be calling MattyP's team a "poor man's polar bears," which isn't necessarily a good thing for Fred. The starting line up is solid. Even with Mathews & Arian Foster having 4 Pro football games under their combined belts, I trust they will be damn good this year. And there's a few more questions around Reggie Wayne & Boldin, the Pbears #2 & 3 WRs. Still looks like a competitive team...except at QB. If Palmer blows as bad as I think he will, Fred's only got Stafford to lean on. There's also the limited potential of all 3 backup RBs: Ronnie Brown, LT, Sproles. At least Fred drafted his D 4 rounds later than he did in '09.

Most Likely Outcome: 5th place. Book it.

Worrisome Trend: Fred's uncanny ability to take the single worst player in each draft. Last year it was Culpepper, or maybe Engram. This year I'm judging "worst player" as "someone who becomes a free agent in the NFL shortly after our draft. That would be TJ Houshmandzedah.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Nothing that jumps out, except that player who was a free agent 2 days ago.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): No one. Fred, your team underwhelms me. Ryan Mathews, I guess, but I knew he would never last to my turn anyway.

Dorchestah United (formerly Internet Rule 34): 2009: 9-5, 6th place

09 Recap: Certainly started off on the wrong foot with Forte being kept (in hindsight, of course). Picks 3, 4 & 5 were especially painful as Ben chose Braylon Edwards, McFadden and Eddie Royal, respectively. For all those negatives, however, Ben got a steal in Ray Rice with his 6th pick. Rice--a consensus top 5 pick this year--was curiously traded to Riggins Rigs (with Flacco) in exchange for Brady & LT. I know Brady is good, but Rice has a chance to be a top-3 fantasy pick for the next few years.

10 Outlook: So who will Ben prematurely trade this year simply out of boredom/itchy trigger finger? The smart money is on Garcon or McCoy (pause for Neil & Mike checking to see if Bodog actually has this bet on the board). But enough about next year's keepers that Ben will miss out on (Strasburg in 2012 is gonna burn you, Ben). The Chestah U's bring back 2 guys without any big questions or uncertainties--Brady & Jennings. And kudos to you, Ben. If you were to read page 3, section 1 of my fantasy standard operating procedures (henceforth known as SOPs), you'd find that I'm a supporter of minimizing question marks/high risks in keepers and early picks. It's that exact strategy that allows me to be exactly mediocre every year. Unfortunately, I have to project a better-than-mediocre season for Ben (nothing could bring me more pain). If you look purely at the starting lineup + Garcon (to fill in for Hines Ward), it's a pretty nasty team. But if Grant or McCoy go down, the lack of RB depth could hurt.

Most Likely Outcome: Top 3 regular season finish. Crashes in playoffs due to key players resting.

Worrisome Trend: Ben hasn't once led the league in transactions, and while the fantasy world absorbs the shock of that statement, I'll add that he's never won this league. Obvious correlation.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: As someone who was burned by Cadillac for 3 straight seasons, I'm leaning heavily in his direction here. Last year was a fluke & it still wasn't great. Good move by Ben to pick up the guy who will be starting in Tampa by week 4, Kareem Huggins.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Not that I have wood for any of these players, but I'm angered because they were all going to be "steals" for me in my opinion, but Ben swooped in 1 pick before me each time: Grant, McCoy, Garcon.

Osprey Talon 22: 2009: 9-5, 5th place

09 Recap: Simply put, I beat the bad teams and struggled against the good ones--getting 4 of my 5 losses to eventual playoff teams. Some bad enough drafting where the following picks were not even on my team by season's end: keeper (Boldin), 2nd pick (R. Brown), 7th & 8th picks (Coles & Sproles). Quite the average team actually. And now I have to wonder if I should have kept Arian Foster, who I was lucky to pickup at the end of the season in the first place. Oh, let's not forget I wasn't in the country, or by a TV, or on the internet all of the '09 season. Still got 5th place. Just sayin.

10 Outlook: Ehh, what's there to be excited about? To say my RB position "lacks depth" would be sugar coating it. The only real upside is if Shonn Greene & Mike Wallace take big leaps to legit #1's at their respective positions. Rivers has been my rock for a couple years now, and he'll have to be again in 2010.

Most Likely Outcome: Sneak into playoffs as a 6-seed by barely outlasting the other shit teams. Getting lucky to have the lowest Points Allowed (an annual achievement for me...111 less points allowed in 2009 than next closest team), and bow out in the 1st Rd of the playoffs.

Worrisome Trend: See "needing to get scored upon the least" anecdote above.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Forsett, because I got him with my 4th pick thinking he was a steal, but quickly learned I arbitrarily assigned a lot better numbers to him than he actually achieved last year. And he's in a potential timeshare w/ 2 other guys on a shitty offense.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Love what Ross did w/ the Mike Wallace pick. Big things from him this year. But really, the best thing I saw was Ross's attempt at collecting as many Texans players as possible. Someone's gotta catch 4500 yds of Schaub passes.

Four 3 Year Olds (formerly James' Comps): 2009: 7-7, 4th place

09 Recap: It was an up-and-down '09 draft for Scott, ranging from the steal of Aaron Rodgers with the 38th pick to this ESPN description of his 3rd pick: "came to training camp overweight, didn't score a touchdown after Week 7, led the NFL in dropped passes and earned a four-week suspension for using a banned substance." Of course, I jumped to take that same player, Dwayne Bowe, in that same round this year. And Blanchette, if you don't think that exact description fits Brandon Marshall's 2010 season, you're only fooling yourself. Perhaps Scott can easily look past a 7-7 season that saw both a 5-game losing streak & 5-game win streak. After all, he did beat archnemesis (yes, their hatred crosses sports boundaries), Dorchestah United, in the 1st round of the '09 playoffs.

10 Outlook: Great keepers in Moss & Rodgers. Not a single pick after that where Scott can say, "Yep, I know what I'm getting out of that guy this year." The RBs seem to be a collection of #2 fantasy starters (P. Thomas, Forte, Felix Jones, Ricky Williams, R. Bush), but at least there's some depth. The WR position is top heavy, with Moss & Calvin Johnson as a potentially lethal combination. Then there are backups like Berrian, Henderson, Manningham. Don't know what to make of this team just yet.

Most Likely Outcome: Misses the playoffs by going 0-3 in final 3 weeks of regular season.

Worrisome Trend: Three Saints players--none named Brees--on this roster with Super Bowl Hangover potential.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Is it the guy who was on suicide watch less than 2 years ago (Vince Young)? Or the guy who's about to have his Heisman stripped from him (Bush)? Or the guy who literally almost burned out of football several years ago due to his inseparability from weed (Ricky)? Lots of interesting personalities on this team.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Even though he was a keeper & I had no shot at him, this award goes to Rodgers. This Packers team has the look of an unstoppable offense, still doesn't get enough attention in their division (due to Douchey McGee in Minnesota), and Rodgers has a chance to be the #1 QB by a long shot this year.

My Last Year (Maybe) (formerly Porkchops Applesauce): 2009: 8-6, 3rd place

09 Recap: Owner Mike Wier took over a shaky situation in the Spring of '09 and somehow got his team to start 5-2. But I've witnessed this scene too many times--namely when me & my friend used to sprint in the beginning of cross country meets just to say we were in 1st place for a minute. Mike's team predictably faded down the stretch, then beat a team coached by a guy who was more into soccer at that time in round 1 of the playoffs, and bowed out in the semi's.

10 Outlook: Rather than be the bigger man here & just ignore Mike's subtle attempts at undermining the league, I will boycott writing an outlook for his team. I know he just cried a bit after reading the first 22,352 words of this blog waiting for his moment. What a cynical, miserable little prick. Even the team name screams patheticism on his part. The "not-so-behind-the-scenes" persuading of other owners to buy the team from him. Even inventing a weak disagreement of the rules (keepers selected too early, aka "Knowshon Moreno, my keeper, can't crack the starting lineup"). Goodluck with your shit team this year, Wier.

Most Likely Outcome: Mike retires from this league in style, by sneaking into the playoffs and exiting quickly. He also watches Thurs NFL opener in absolute terror, knowing it could be Favre's final game.

Worrisome Trend: Lack a bit of "emerging keeper" upside on any players. Could become a problem with MoJo's inevitable drop off.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Favre. If it wasn't for fear of being ridiculed, I would have ranked Favre in the bottom 7 QBs once he lost Rice. Favre & the Vikings are one of the more obvious let down teams in a long time.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Pass.

Team1818A: 2009: 10-4, 2nd Place

09 Recap: It hurts to even think about Werner keeping Peterson & Johnson 2 years in a row, but that's the reality when you're in a league with MattyP's of the world. Team Preiss, how are those long term keepers you got in return for gifting Johnson & Marshall to Werner in 2008? McFadden & Kevin Jones, right? To demonstrate how genuinely funny that trade was, I called my 84-year-old sick grandmother, the same grandmother who still asks if I think Drew Bledsoe will eventually live up to expectations. Matty, when I mentioned that trade, she spit out her soup, laughed for 45 seconds, then called you "faggot pants." She said you'd understand what that meant.

Sorry, Werner, I just don't feel like recapping a regular season championship that was handed to you a year earlier.

10 Outlook: I don't wanna discuss this team much. It's simple: if 1 solid WR emerges from Santana Moss, Knox, and Floyd, Team 1818A probably gets a top 2 seed and plays in the championship game.

Let's give Werner's comments to me a couple weeks ago some play amongst the league. See how this sits with everyone: "I'm pretty pumped about my team but then again I have the most ridiculous keepers ever. If you decide to switch the format next year, that's fine I won't put up a fight. I almost feel like I'm cheating..." This mother fucker thinks he's so good the league needs to be re-started to even the playing field.

Most Likely Outcome: Werner's just provided bulletin board material to the league. Even though he'll get everyone's best game now, he still gets top 3 in regular season. Loses even earlier in playoffs this year.

Worrisome Trend: Two defenses, neither of them great.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Jerome Harrison, only ridiculous because MattyP's point about you being lucky is strengthened by this pick, with Hardesty going down for the year shortly after our draft. But hey, this is a guy who's starting to own us in both fantasy sports. At some point it might be more skill than luck.

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): His top 3 players, of course, CJ, AP, Romo.

Mother Flippin' Pueto: 2009: 10-4, Champion

09 Recap: I guess this is the blueprint for a run to the championship: keep an absolute dud (Slaton) and a guy who misses a chunk of the season (Gore), and then basically throw away 5 of your final 8 picks. And in the middle, be sure to grab 2 mediocre QBs (Ryan & Cutler). Congrats on a mind-blowing season?

10 Outlook: If he won it all last year, and it looks like his team will improve, is that bad news for the rest of us? Teaming Roddy White up w/ a likely healthy Gore as keepers is solid (better than last year for sure), and adding Benson, Flacco & DeSean Jackson all seem like safe, solid choices. Unlike many teams in this league, Aaron went with a somewhat conservative team. May not have a ton of home run potential, but certainly will be above average at worst.

Most Likely Outcome: Probably a 3rd or 4th place regular season, followed by championship game appearance.

Worrisome Trend: Random affinity towards Lee Evans every year.

Most Ridiculous Personnel: Most recent news about Lynch states: "Lynch's only chance at real value to begin the season would have been a trade out of Buffalo or a long-term injury to Jackson, neither of which transpired."

Pick that angers me (due to my burning desire for this player): Flacco. Want to say DeSean, but tempering my expectations for the Eagles.

Finally, 1 promise to you, league: no blogs the rest of the season will be as long as this one.

Good luck in week 1.